Hi, my name is Nikita. I have been living in the United States for the past four years but spent way more time traveling around it metaphysically. You might ask yourself: what the fuck is this guy talking about?
The thing is, when you live abroad, the global pop-culture lobby still gets to you. Through TV, movies you watch, the music you listen to, the internet you surf, and even clothing you wear. An ocean and almost a continent away, popular things from this country end up famous in my country after some time. With regards to travels, those trends sometimes change their form, creating a different impression from what they actually are.
Nevertheless, they provide somewhat of an image of how you guys are living here. So I figured, why not respond to Secret Hollywood Lodge and reverse it by delivering their recycled means of dominating the world.
Throughout this journey, we are going to set you up with clothing and musical tastes. Why such a choice? Because those are some of the most crucial things for the identity of every decent young man and woman. After that, we will determine you to a specific group representing what you wear and listen to.
So, what shoes are we wearing today?
"Every time young men or women throw a plastic cup "in the general direction" of the cop, they end up in jail for a couple of years. If they write a mean tweet about police, they end up in prison for a couple of years. Welcome to Russia
Meanwhile, some scum from Putin's family (husband of his goddaughter) publishes a nasty-titled manifesto. He claims that Europe is losing its freedoms and guts.
And here you are. Young, wild, and free. This free probably hits different for you than it should in the song. You never know. It seems to me, though, Wiz Khalifa didn't read all those stories I mentioned above while recording his famous youth anthem.
Not being happy about the stuff above, or let's say the fact that a bridge in your home city is being named after switching camps terrorist means being fascist. Being fascist in Russia means consequences. Consequences can get you at high school during Geography lessons. The teacher will tell you not to compare Hitler and Stalin because it will soon be illegal.
Then you will save or post some dumb meme on your VK page. Web-brigades are going to see it and report extremism. And then consequences will take you to prison.
Prison means death or destruction of the personality through tortures and living conditions of our beloved GULAG. By the way, it's no different than in the 30s."
Above are thoughts you have if you wear New Balance shoes in Russia, are younger than 30, and hold somewhat politically solid opinions.
Or you might just be a fan of Yung Lean and the whole Sad Boys' esthetics.
So, I guess now we need to find out what you listen to.
[[How about music?]]You're a normie who gets a pair of shoes because you like that pair. Good job, but normies are the same everywhere.
[[Hi, my name is...]] There is a .01% chance you skate or can decently perform on any street transport.
49.99%, you just spend too much time on the internet looking at clothes. Now you're wearing and showing everyone your incredible rare (so rare, you are the only one who knows of them) Vans shoes.
50%, you listened to the song called X-Ray by Pharaoh and got very excited from all the innuendos one can rhyme with Old Skool Vans. Marylin Monroe once said: "Give a girl right shoes, and she will conquer the world." You're not Marylin Monroe, but you're now wearing Vans Old Skools and have hope.
Anyways, as you can see, only knowing what your shoes are is not enough and can mean two polar things. In Russia, we say: "meet on clothes and see off on the mind." We need more information about you.
Let's turn to the voice which talks inside your mind on an everyday basis. What you listen to?
[[How about music?]][[Punk/Rock]]
[[Techno]]1. You are a straight- "A" student. Singing, Dancing, and Speaking Chinese, among other beautiful talents- you got it all. You spend your workdays at extra-curriculums and vacations somewhere warm and far away from Russia with Your family. Where do you spend your nights? Doing homework, but like with Kurt Cobain singing "You won't be afraid of fear" in your earphones.
2. Your father has either died or left you at an unconscious age. Now you are desperately seeking father figures and find them in rock stars. You try to stand out with your long luxurious hair, but not cutting or washing actually makes it look gross rather than rockstar-alike. You're likely to have some undiscovered personality disorder. Unfortunately, everyone in your family probably has it too, so getting help is not expected. You have tried a bunch of different illegal substances. Your life is filled with exciting stories like "I took tabs and went to Mariinsky theatre last week." You don't have any friends at school, except for that one guy. He is almost like you but with strict parents, which makes their life not that fun, but provides cleaner clothing with washed hair.
- Couple of years after high school: the first version of yourself has discovered cocaine and is closely tied to it. Meanwhile, the second version has gotten themselves out of their hell and now living an extraordinary life, or not. And we keep moving.
[[Answers so far?]]1. That most luxurious hookah bar in your home city is soon going to be in your sole proprietorship after all the time and money spent. If you live in Saint-Petersburg, they close and bring the bridges together every time you are being driven past 1 AM on Summer night. There are no such clear examples to publicly show your (your dads’/moms') richness in other cities, but everyone is still aware.
Listening to rap, you dream of the family's trust fund belonging to you. Once a grown-up, you're either a successful business owner or somewhere overdosed.
2. You and your friend group think of yourselves as a mini version of Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels' main characters' gang. Every other week one of you jumps in a flight of stairs and breaks a leg or gets pepper-sprayed. Or has to explain to school officials why exactly someone's mom claims "Student N selling cheap alcohol to other kids." Surprisingly, at the same time, you have good grades. Time management is everything, I guess. Or charisma which you (or you think you) apply when getting graded. No one will ever know.
Listening to hip-hop, you think of yourselves as young players making boss moves. Meanwhile, you are in the subway listening to music on your earphones because it's too loud to talk. Once grown-ups, you become less adventurous but keep listening to hip-hop to keep the energy for the boredom of adult life and legal drinking.
[[Answers so far?]]1. You used to be a good kid with high hopes. Then you tried drugs, thought your mind got expanded, got addicted, and now a bum who sells mephedrone to survive.
2. Same, but you think you're on a pathway to enlightenment.
[[Answers so far?]]
There is nothing else to add, really. It's like New York in the 80s, but everyone is doing mephedrone instead of cocaine.
[[Hi, my name is...]] [[NB-Rap]]
If you don't see yourself here, you don't exist within the paradigm of this test's reality, sorry :(
[[Hi, my name is...]]<img src="https://i.redd.it/6otuaf80rkd41.png" width="750" height=*500* alt="This Is You">
So, here is your average outlook. For the most part, stylish and affordable (luckily, many cheaper anoraks are looking like that).
The guy above, whose name is Yung Lean, is your idol and role model. Lean's music "changed your life forever" (I mean, not really, but when you're a teenager- everything's life-changing). So did dad's Ralph Lauren shirt you found, as he was about to throw it away. Life change is what happens when you become the most stylish kid in your high school.
You smoke cigarettes (because smoking not cigarettes is risky and can get you in jail). Your parents have caught you a long time ago, tried arguing and explaining. Now they just pretend to not notice anything. You're not sure if they actually pretend to, but you don't mind anyway.
The only lyric you actually recognized listening to the song is "Bitches come and go, brah But you know I stay." Of course, you apply it to you and your best friend once he breaks up with his High School Sweetheart. After all, she really was not too happy about you guys hanging out together without her and probably being best friends too. Oh well. She goes, you stay. ;)
Even though you wear [[New Balance]] shoes, you're not holding any right-wing political views. You're actually not holding any at all. Basically, your world's vision is to "legalize weed and fix climate in Russia."
In terms of [[Rap]], you would probably belong to the second group, if anything. However, you might be too emotional and self-caring to jump in the stairs and do stuff like that.
[[Hi, my name is...]] <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/_an6eQuepBuu30GydOYCzjyWEvFJnfdqJc3WgJJH8Lyzk7j7X3XdSQJDkf0OPcSbdyxe8kv0peIOLf5C8_icYBHw-0mxtxdfAg" width="750" height=*500* alt="This Is You2">
Just like Yung lean and a decent amount of his [[NB-Rap]] fans, you wear an anorak. Shoes are similar too, and one could even think that you guys are no different.
And that is the primary reason why all New Balance owners hate you, except for those who're not aware of the whole "fascist shoes" situation. While everyone just wants to wear shoes their favorite artist showed off in the music video or have comfortable footwear for whatever, you search for meanings.
That letter N on a shoe has to be there for a reason; you're absolutely right. Sure honey, its angles have some hidden message from the infamous ancient Whitesupremacismo Civilization. Let's get you to bed now.
You get the point. You're one of those people who put a firework in their mouth on Independence Day, then making fireworks sale illegal in the whole state. I'm not in the position to tell you what to believe in, "be better," or finally move out of your parents' place and get a job (seriously, though, you're entering your thirties!). But please, at least get some new dorky shoes and let ordinary people breathe.
A note on the music you listen to: Repetitive base chords with loud roars about the military greatness of the Third Reich is not doing your psyche any good. Try Yung Lean.
[[Hi, my name is...]] <img src="https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/711818728380440576/hejAaouV_400x400.jpg" width="750" height=*500* alt="This Is You3">
How do you think you look
<img src="https://www.100pro.su/uploads/images/03%281%29.jpg" width="750" height=*500* alt="This Is You3">
vs. How you actually look
For the most part, you're similar to [[NB-Rap]]. Some people even mix you two and don't see the difference.
Ironically, there is none. The reason why? The guy from whom you learned to buy your shoes (Pharaoh) copied [[NB-Rap]] idol's music and became famous from that.
Thereby, you are located under an extra layer of meta-space. Otherwise, there are no significant differences. Casualties apply, such as [[NB-Rap]] liking Arizona Iced Tea and Fiji water, while your drink of choice is on the picture down below.
<img src="https://ru.russianfoodusa.com/images/P/wild_berries.jpg"width="750" height=*500* alt="Mors">
[[Hi, my name is...]] <img src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/V4lUv9SbXno/maxresdefault.jpg" width="750" height=*500* alt="This Is You5">
Buerak. Probably, one of your favorite bands (back when they were hot). The rest of your musical tastes are pretty much based on the same logic.
Of course, you're not listening to CLASSICAL ROCK. Like, what? Ew. Leave those creepy ballades for aging moms and douche from the second option in [[Punk/Rock]]. We're going POST PUNK, PSEUDO GRUNGE, AND THOUSANDS OF OTHER GENRES NO ONE KNOWS (usually because they don't exist anywhere out of your head.
And no, you never would go to somewhere as peasant as a concert hall. Famous artists, ample space, and fire safety measures taken in the building? No, thank you kindly. I like to spend my nights in cowsheds with people on bath salts (artists on stage) trying to hit the strings.
You also would like to remind me that there is a difference between "hot" and "popular." You don't listen to some peasant stuff, but only catch THE RAREST and most conceptual music pieces (people on bath salts trying to hit the strings for 8 songs in a row).
[[Hi, my name is...]]